Monday, July 21, 2008

on refueling my wahoo

It has recently come to my attention that my blog posts have gotten quite negative, as well as my attitude in general, and I think there's a lot of truth there. Being pregnant fills one with the hopes and dreams of new life, but it also robs one of a certain sense of self and security while taking all of the body's best resources to build something new.

Translation: I'm too physically and emotionally exhausted to be as excited and happy as I should be about Cleo or the new baby. Or life in general.

I've been clockwatching, living under a seige mentality, barely dog-paddling, waiting for Cleo to go to sleep so that I can snag a few precious moments of rest or alone time. And that's no way to live. When you think of your child as an impediment or annoyance instead of, basically, your reason for existing, working, and feeling joy, you're pretty much cutting off your nose to spite your face. I can't imagine the smiles, funny phrases, and hugs i've missed because i've been too busy waiting for something else to happen.

I'm also beginning to wonder if the reason humanity as a whole is driving me crazy and making me shout at the top of my lungs about how horrible everyone else is behaving is just to pull the attention off myself and how horrible *i'm* being. To tell the truth, i'm a bit embarrassed.

So i'm taking it back. Rediscovering my wahoo. Focusing on finding and feeling the positive things while ignoring the negative. To my friends, I apologize for being negative, selfish, or depressing. The hardest part about being depressed is not knowing you're depressed and thinking everyone else must be as miserable as you are. And i'm not even that miserable, really.

Tom Robbins tell us, "All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously." I used to strive to never take myself, or anything, too seriously, and now i'm treating a traffic violation as a grave offense. When I read my post about the grimaces in TJ Maxx, i'm thinking I was probably writing about myself, which is even more depressing. So let's avoid that loop.

It's a nice day. I've got a cool kid and a sweet life. Let's do something fun.


stinestrain said...

well I'd be lying if I said I hadn't noticed. but I love ya anyway. pregnancy is rough, hormones do weird things to you, and you have a VERY persistent toddler to care for every day. you're doing ok.

which isn't to say we can't all appreciate some renewed WAHOO! from you :) and we did something fun today, at least it was fun until my kids melted down and I had to leave. but my belly was full of good steak and things!

delilah said...

See, I knew you'd comment. =) Craig asked me today if anyone had said anything, then he thought about it, and said, "Yeah, I guess I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole if I were one of your woman friends".

Thanks for coming over-- I'm glad for a chance to feed *you* and return the favor! We had a great time, and Cleo played so hard that she napped well.

Crystal said...

D, this is exactly what i needed to hear for myself at the moment.

i've been wallowing in a pretty deep vat of self misery for the past couple of months myself. although i have had a few good reasons: husband getting sick & having emergency surgery, my dog getting sick, having invasive tests and nearly dying, my dog being diagnosed with a progressive/fatal disorder, having our adoption fall through the day before my husband's surgery, having the new bills and costs associated with the surgery and vet bills, and as of yesterday -- the company where we both work deciding to dissolve at the end of this month.

it is alot and at times, often more than i think i can bare. in an effort to stay sane, i do as you did - i spewed it out into words on a blog. reading over my own posts, i found that 85% of my posts were negative. it's a wonder anyone even bothers to read the drivel -or-if they did, they probably have stopped because it was such a downer to do so.

your stuff is no comparison to some of the vitrol i can spew while trying to process the state of my affairs, but your post today really has opened my eyes a bit on the matter.

i complain that i have no friends - that no one is supporting me and that my friends don't even have the courtesy to email me back and ask "are you doing okay?".

but now i think understand. thanks for this little bit of enlightenment.

Valerie said...

Hi. I like you.

marciabee said...

Hugs to ya, Delilah!