It has recently come to my attention that my blog posts have gotten quite negative, as well as my attitude in general, and I think there's a lot of truth there. Being pregnant fills one with the hopes and dreams of new life, but it also robs one of a certain sense of self and security while taking all of the body's best resources to build something new.
Translation: I'm too physically and emotionally exhausted to be as excited and happy as I should be about Cleo or the new baby. Or life in general.
I've been clockwatching, living under a seige mentality, barely dog-paddling, waiting for Cleo to go to sleep so that I can snag a few precious moments of rest or alone time. And that's no way to live. When you think of your child as an impediment or annoyance instead of, basically, your reason for existing, working, and feeling joy, you're pretty much cutting off your nose to spite your face. I can't imagine the smiles, funny phrases, and hugs i've missed because i've been too busy waiting for something else to happen.
I'm also beginning to wonder if the reason humanity as a whole is driving me crazy and making me shout at the top of my lungs about how horrible everyone else is behaving is just to pull the attention off myself and how horrible *i'm* being. To tell the truth, i'm a bit embarrassed.
So i'm taking it back. Rediscovering my wahoo. Focusing on finding and feeling the positive things while ignoring the negative. To my friends, I apologize for being negative, selfish, or depressing. The hardest part about being depressed is not knowing you're depressed and thinking everyone else must be as miserable as you are. And i'm not even that miserable, really.
Tom Robbins tell us, "All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously." I used to strive to never take myself, or anything, too seriously, and now i'm treating a traffic violation as a grave offense. When I read my post about the grimaces in TJ Maxx, i'm thinking I was probably writing about myself, which is even more depressing. So let's avoid that loop.
It's a nice day. I've got a cool kid and a sweet life. Let's do something fun.