Friday, June 27, 2008

maternity 3: Revenge of the Shift

I'm enjoying making fun of maternity clothes so very much that I just have to keep going. It's just so hard to feel attractive in a world where very little accommodates your blossoming form, much less accentuates it. I got a pedicure today, my first in 6 months, and when I looked down at my juicy little pink toes, I actually said, "I feel pretty for the first time in months!"

And no woman should ever have to say that.

So here we go.

8. It's a hat, it's a brooch, it's a pterodactyl
Have you ever seen a dress as versatile as this funnel-necked beauty? You can be a human shadow puppet! You could squat down inside of it and look like a cannon ball, or stretch out your arms and legs and look like a black star, or tuck your head *and* legs inside it and look like Louigi crouching under his hat in Super Mario 2. I know we could all use fewer "adorable" details in our maternity clothes, but I think this Stealth Bomber (pun intended) could use a little more definition.

9. It's that thing from The Herculoids!Gleep! Gloop! Okay, let's go over it again. Bows, bibs, frills, and plackets: bad. Shape and definition: good. Is this a giant black jellyfish? Or one of those odd congealed salads? Or that bizarre blancmange from Monty Python that was going to take over the world playing tennis? It's like they ran out of belts and hems and thought that two big, swirly, satin flowers would draw the eye away from the fact that the dress is held together with mucilage. I believe in The Little Black Dress, but pregnant women deserve more. Just... more.

10. Water: broken. Skirt: dry as a bone!Query: how can you keep your skirt dry when your water breaks? By having a skirt *so* short that your bulging va-jay-jay hangs pendulously below the hem. It takes balls (or not, really) to wear a skirt this short when you're skinny and not pregnant, much less when you are anything other than a size -12 and smuggling watermelons. Not to mention that most of us gain at least a little bit in our thighs to support nursing later on. And I hear horror stories of varicose veins, spider veins, swollen ankles and feet like yeti boots. Who wants to see this, much less wear it? I suppose it would be pretty handy for delivery, though, and much more sturdy than those icky hospital gowns. And your doctor can give you an exam while you're standing up, texting your friend about the Hanna Montana show that you're going to miss because you have to stay home with the stupid baby.

This is just too much fun, and i've barely started on Tomorrow, dear friends. Tomorrow.


Jennifer said...

OMgosh these are killing me! I'm so glad I will never have to wear maternity clothes again. I love your writings Delilah!

Cranky Mama said...

Looks like maternity clothing peaked in cuteness back in '06 and now we seem to be backsliding back to the late 80's. I guess all the cute stuff you wore when pg with Cleo is the wrong season, huh?