Thursday, May 15, 2008

Dear Pepperidge Farm Marketing Team,

I have some questions regarding your package for "Goldfish Baked Snack Crackers Made with Whole Grain".

1. Why is your snack fish given an eye and a smile? I don't want to eat things that smile at me.
2. Why is the anthropomorphized fish in question wearing a bicycle helmet? If he is underwater, the water pressure would cushion his fall.
3. Wait, how can a Baked Snack Cracker live underwater? Wouldn't it dissolve instantly?
4. Yeah, and why is he riding a bicycle? FISH CAN'T RIDE BICYCLES!!!
5. Oh, and why is his name "Finn"? He doesn't have any freakin' fins!
6. He appears to be followed by three non-humanized snack crackers. Did you choose to withhold eyes from them, or were they born blind, like cave fish, or are they actually snacks, while "Finn" has eyes and a smile and is therefore a "real fish"?
7. The wheels of "Finn"'s bicycle appear to be composed of self-shredding cheese. How often do cheese tires have to be replaced, and must they be replaced with cheddar, or would low-fat mozzarella also suffice?
8. On the back of your package, we are introduced to Finn's lesser friends, one of whom is named "XTREME". Is that really his name, or just a clever marketing ploy?
9. Again, on the back of the package, we are asked to "Help Finn through the maze so he can play with his friends!" The maze appears to be Finn's bed, he is wearing sunglasses, and his friends are pictured with a soccer ball, CD, and books. WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE SMOKING???

Thank you for your prompt responses.


1 comment:

Valerie said...

I love your brain.