I found out today that my friend, mentor, and boss of 16 years died last night. She's been dying for a long time, and we just visited with her yesterday, and I can't believe that she's gone. I can't imagine the world without her in it. She's been a constant inspiration and role model to me for so long, and it has always been so easy to call her and laugh with her.
To think she won't be at any receptions, telling me which appetizers are tastiest and holding court. That I won't get to work with her again. She won't breeze in at 10:30 with an extra dry cappuccino, and I won't sit across her desk, and we won't laugh at the ridiculous artists we know and talk about old ladies chasing flashers, grown men in Power Rangers costumes, or how much my pregnant belly is heaving around that day. To know that something will leave the smiles of her daughters, whom i've known since they were born. My dream was to one day run an art center under her, to have her as a boss but to have my own facility, and that dream will never happen.
I am so thankful that she was coherent yesterday, that she knew me and hugged me and wanted Cleo to play with her voodoo doll. I should have refused when her sister asked me to leave, because we were having such a golden moment, with my head in her lap, and her telling me about dying, asking me to come back today when she would be on fewer drugs and we could talk. I am so sad that my daughter will never get to call her Aunt Jan.
So there's an emptiness today. It's been over a year since i've cried, and I may have forgotten how, but I think i'll remember soon.
I love you, Jan. Thank you for being in my life.