Monday, November 12, 2007

The Sugar Pact: Because I'm Keeping It Real

I'm giving up sugar.

If you know me, you're probably laughing yourself to peeville right now, because if there is one thing that heartily characterizes me, it's my maniacal devotion to sweets. Cakes, cupcakes, donuts, cookies, brownies, tiramisu, cheesecake, coffee with so much sugar it's criminal. Hell, i'm the person who invented the most notorious confection ever invented, The Cardiac*.

But i'm giving it up, because I find i'm being a complete hypocrite in my sugar addiction. I don't allow an ounce of processed sugar into my child, so what do I tell her when she points at my dark chocolate mint 3 Musketeers and asks, "Gisch?", as in, "Gosh, mother, that thing looks delicious. I mean, you're really enjoying yourself. What is that wonderful thing, and can I have some?" And one day soon, she's actually going to ask me, using words, why i'm not sharing, and i'm not going to have an answer for her. Not to mention the fact that I can't seem to lose my last 10 pounds of baby weight any more than I can quit mainlining the leftover mini Milky Ways from Halloween. Coincidence? Je crois non.

So i'm giving up processed sugar. Scientists are saying that sugar is one of the main causes of aging, that it plays into diabetes and cancer and global warming and killing kittens and every other bad thing in the universe. So i'm giving it up.

Not today, though.

No, today i'm eating all the leftover goodies in the house. I'm having my long goodbye. So long, chockosammiches in the freezer. So long, last slice of birthday cake that's been hiding behind the frozen salmon. See ya, Coffeemate and 2 tablespoons of sugary goodness per cup of halfcaff coffee. Ciao, Halloween goodies. You're all out. I'll keep the 6 grams of sugar in my cereal, because I need the 13 grams of fiber, but everything else is gone. I'm going to have to totally rethink breakfast and find some new reason to get out of bed in the morning, but I know I can do it.

And now i'm off to the store to find some "no added sugar" alternatives for my life. Tea instead of coffee. OJ instead of chocolate milk. Hummus and carrots instead of yoghurt and apple. That one's gonna hurt.

Wish me luck, and should you see me with cupcake crumbs in the mustache that I definitely don't have, please call me out.

* The Cardiac is something I invented while pregnant. It goes like this. Get a waffle cone, and put a little vanilla ice cream in the bottom. Then put a cupcake, wrapper removed, on top of the ice cream. Then a tiny bit more ice cream, then a warm chocolate chip cookie. Then a hot Krispy Kreme Donut. Top it off with ice cream, whipped cream, and sprinkles. Eat it and try not to die. Hormones are a bitch, neh?

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